Stupid stories

Originally written on April 20, 2008

I was recently reading somewhere about the different stories we tell ourselves about us, usually feeding our negative self-images. My first reaction was of course "Well, I'm not doing anything like that!"

Then it hit me a few days after. My particular story is that I'm a boring person. On top of that I study boring stuff, and if people find out what I do they will think me as a freak with no life. Reasonable? Right, thought so.

After this revelation I started to think about how I always seem to try be as unclear about my study interests as possible, to brush them off and change the subject of the conversation. I'm evasive about the level of my studies and about what kind of work I do for them. The same thing with my hobbies, and I never ever speak about my religious interests. These subjects are only spoken of with certain persons, who change according the subject.

The funny thing here is of course that I'm passionate about my studies, and I seriously think about PhD studies and research as a profession, even though I know that it certainly won't make me rich. I think it's one of the most interesting things there is, and it's something I'm good at. I might not have the "common and correct" reasons for doing it, like money and career prospects, and when asked WHY I'm interested about the subject, I have difficulties answering. Isn't being interested enough? Do I need to analyse the reasons for it over and over again, until all the world is happy and convinced? Must everything be a path to a well-paid job?

So, I decided to make these changes to my inner story:

-I have decided to prove to the world that young women who are studying Japanese Buddhism seriously aren't either boring or freaky new-agers.

-That young women who prefer philosophy to fashion are fun to hang out with.

-That you don't need to be able to drink yourself to oblivion and still know how to have FUN.

-That zen and "zenier than thou" are things that actually rule each other out.

P.S. Coming to Japan has certainly changed my view of monks. First, they smoke like chimneys and certainly see no problem in drinking beer and sake. Second, some of them look hotter than I'd ever have believed. And thirdly, every one that I've talked with, which unfortunately isn't that many yet, has been fun to talk to, and certainly more interesting than most japanese.