Yesterday I set out to write something budo-related, which ended up sounding more buddhist than what was intended. Which is usually fine. I just wanted to make a small addition.
In the Buddhist side there is a tendency to mold yourself in order to fit the ideal "better". To be honest, the subjectively perceived uniformity of a certain type of western buddhists just freaks me out. A room full of buddhist Stepford families IS creepy, right? I know this is a huge generalization, but very often you CAN guess the buddhist tendencies in a western buddhist practitioner - and even if you can't put a name to it when you first meet them, the moment you hear that they do practice Zen / Tibetan buddhism /*insert sect*, you INSTANTLY go "Ah, so THAT was it". (In japanese you would say "naruhodo...") I don't rule out the possibility of this being a good thing. I know some un-creepy western buddhists who look and act the part. It's just that when they get together in hordes and you find yourself surrounded by them ... I can't help myself, but I feel like a black sheep in the midst of white cows, or something.
They are also the people that get a bit too excited whent hey hear that you've done some japanese / meditation / etc. stuff yourself too, and their eyes get a weird glow when they start asking you about your experiences. At that point I try to reduce my answers to monosyllabics in order not to start screaming in panic and frustration.
To take the discussion back to budo and bujutsu (a different sort of a koryû), the tendency is the opposite. This "other side" of practice is downplayed or even brushed completely over with comments about "there sensei goes again, just stop listening so that you won't fall down laughing - that would be soooo embarrassing". And in my mind this is at least as wrong a way to approach the problem as the squeezing yourself into a mold -strategy.
If the swordstuff is left only on the level of technique and bodily skills, it is seitei, not koryû. If I paraphrase my question: if that is all there is, why bother practising at all? To look cool when posing with a katana? To have a nice and culturally interesting hobby? To develop your iai muscles? (Btw for those who haven't practised iai, they are those that get tense when you try to grip something with your pinky and ring-finger. Useful, huh?) Sure, have fun and practise diligently. I have no problem with that, the more the merrier.
But, and here comes the unavoidable but, I think you miss quite a lot. And it's kind of ok, here where we don't have a proper dojo setting and things work in a slightly different way. Truth to be said, you don't need the "dojo skills" here in Finland, which makes it so much easier to skip over some bits of the teaching we get. And I'm not even sure how one could get a tangible feel of those un-physical teachings without spending some intensive time with a dojo in Japan.
As I said, you don't really "need" that stuff in here. But not getting it means that you miss the whole other half of your teacher's teaching - and who are YOU to say you don't need it, or that it doesn't fit the western society? If you're so damn clever, why do you need your teacher in the first place? (Because you really can't separate these two sides of the teaching, but that might be a theme for another rant)
And although I know it might be easy to dismiss this since I've been "more priviledged" or something, being nearly fluent in Japanese, being a professional in the field and having lived there for a time - Bullshit. I know people who barely speak two words of Japanese and have never lived in there, but who get this and are so culturally fluent (while having no clue about it theoretically) that they can be thrown into the water and they know instantly how to swim. I know people who know the language and have spent time in the country, but are still completely blind. I know people who have arrived in the country and learned as they go.
I think it's only about a choice - either you're interested and willing to learn both sides, or then you're not. Both are valid choices. Just don't put the blame for making that choice on anyone else's shoulders, since it can and have been done. Instead of dismissing the whole question, how about trying to figure it out in a meaningful way?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Shut up and BOUNCE!
Summer is here, sensei's yearly iai seminar is here, and I should be grading for my 2nd dan. For several reasons I'll skip it this year, but nonetheless I've been thinking again (horror, gasp) about the reasons I should keep on practising.
It's a good thing from time to time to question and doubt the stuff you do - that way you'll keep yourself on your toes when it comes to practice. It's important since - as a friend very aptly pointed out at a conference some time ago - the antithesis of true practice is NOT not practising at all, but routine. Routine kills the instant experiencing of whatever it is you do, which often is the very point of the practice - at least when it comes to Japanese stuff like iai or zazen. If you aren't aware of your body or what it does, then what is the point of bodily practice at all?
But it is not only that, there's also a rumor going on that there's supposed to be other side-effects to this "Practice" stuff too. Cheesy zen books advertise it, self-help books advertise it, some budo-related geeks are all for it - and what's worse, your own sensei probably has dropped the line to you, too. This badly translated side-effect is called "making you a better person", and it's even mentioned in the rules of our iai dojo.
WTF? I didn't sign on for this! I wanted to learn how to slice people into bits with a samurai sword / be all cool and zen / meet chicks / *insert your preference*! I don't want to be a goody-good saintly thing who only smiles beatifically, feeds orphan kittens and whose farts smell like flowers! (Kittens are cute, though...) Gone would be the days of drunken escapades, hangovers with friends, acting stupidly, dancing on the tables and shouting at other tables in bars - bars and stuff that happens in them as a rule would probably be out of bounds for a "better person". Not to mention junk food. And un-adult behavior.
Oh let's just stop this shit before it ruins my life completely! Lalalala-I'mnothearinganything-lalalalaaa...
Except that there might this small misunderstanding about what this "better person" actually might mean. The problem mainly being the word "better".
Because, if you chuck out ethics, the one thing that defines "good" (and thus also "better") for us dumb westerners, out of the equation, the whole question becomes both much more interesting but also closer to the way it might be understood in Japanese (repeat after me: there are no ethics in traditional Japanese culture. Just as there is no democracy. Better get used to the idea...). My personal understanding and observation is that you should become "more you", or "better at being you".
My understanding might be limited, but I've never met a zen/budo teacher (at least one that I would have gotten good vibes from) that would have fitted the serene image of a "zen master". I've met a few monks, teachers, sensei, soke, solemn practitioners of these kinds of stuff, and none of them have floated on clouds wearing serene smiles, I have no idea whether they feed kittens or not, and if there are farts included, well, I mostly try to ignore them. They have been loud, opinionated, grumpy, from time to time a bit lost, funny, outright strange, drunk, offending and easy to offend... Heck, sometimes you really wonder who the hell gave them the job of sensei-ing in the first place!
What they have in common (on top of being good at teaching their respective fields) is that they don't melt in the background (unless they catch you making a mistake, in which case they can be practically invisible until their loud laugh cackles in your ear as they catch you unaware - and you realize he's been standing right behind you all the 5 minutes you picked your nose and wondered about whay to buy from the grocery store). For better or for worse, they are personalities with a big P, and you'd better remember that. And very often, they are not what might be termed "nice". But they do embody their teaching, and if you trust yourself into their hands you can be sure that they keep on kicking you to the direction they see fit.
And in the process you should learn how to be more you. A teacher should never want that you become either his copy or his subject - a proper teacher-student-relationship is another thing, something I want to write about soon enough, but it is never either one of the above. A part of this becoming is that you'll become less able to lie to yourself - this an idea that has been there in the back of my mind, but reading lately Brad Warner's "Shut up and sit down" helped me to grasp the words for this thought. You'll become more you as you can see yourself clearer and clearer, and see less and less point in not being you just because someone (and this does include your teacher) tells you so.
And it need not be that you become more assertive and loud in your opinions, though I do have plenty of friends who are like that (there are times when I just hope they would only shut the heck up). You can also become more bouncy, joyous and compassionate - whatever is "more you" for you. Instead of sitting serenely on your cloud you start dancing on the tables and shouting to the tables next to yours. Or you could see that you really really do enjoy your life and instead of leaving your job and your family to live the rest of your life caring for the orphan kittens of Calcutta, you just decide to live more fully in your existing life.
Now I can hear you say triumphantly "but hey, what if the true nature of someone would be completely evil / asshole /Baaaaad, what then?" I'll handle this in the next post (and I'll do my best to write it as soon as possible), but as there are no etchis in the equations, and thus no "good", there is also no "evil" or "bad". There are just situations and actions that are more or less desirable. And this is another aspect of becoming a "better person" - you start to understand the situational logic of consequences much much better than you did before. As soon as you start to open your eyes to yourself, you start to see your surroundings too.
And so the theme for my next post will be "situational intelligence", or "observe and do like the other monkeys do". Included are ideas of how that "social dimension of iai" that sensei keeps blabbering about might be understood.
It's a good thing from time to time to question and doubt the stuff you do - that way you'll keep yourself on your toes when it comes to practice. It's important since - as a friend very aptly pointed out at a conference some time ago - the antithesis of true practice is NOT not practising at all, but routine. Routine kills the instant experiencing of whatever it is you do, which often is the very point of the practice - at least when it comes to Japanese stuff like iai or zazen. If you aren't aware of your body or what it does, then what is the point of bodily practice at all?
But it is not only that, there's also a rumor going on that there's supposed to be other side-effects to this "Practice" stuff too. Cheesy zen books advertise it, self-help books advertise it, some budo-related geeks are all for it - and what's worse, your own sensei probably has dropped the line to you, too. This badly translated side-effect is called "making you a better person", and it's even mentioned in the rules of our iai dojo.
WTF? I didn't sign on for this! I wanted to learn how to slice people into bits with a samurai sword / be all cool and zen / meet chicks / *insert your preference*! I don't want to be a goody-good saintly thing who only smiles beatifically, feeds orphan kittens and whose farts smell like flowers! (Kittens are cute, though...) Gone would be the days of drunken escapades, hangovers with friends, acting stupidly, dancing on the tables and shouting at other tables in bars - bars and stuff that happens in them as a rule would probably be out of bounds for a "better person". Not to mention junk food. And un-adult behavior.
Oh let's just stop this shit before it ruins my life completely! Lalalala-I'mnothearinganything-lalalalaaa...
Except that there might this small misunderstanding about what this "better person" actually might mean. The problem mainly being the word "better".
Because, if you chuck out ethics, the one thing that defines "good" (and thus also "better") for us dumb westerners, out of the equation, the whole question becomes both much more interesting but also closer to the way it might be understood in Japanese (repeat after me: there are no ethics in traditional Japanese culture. Just as there is no democracy. Better get used to the idea...). My personal understanding and observation is that you should become "more you", or "better at being you".
My understanding might be limited, but I've never met a zen/budo teacher (at least one that I would have gotten good vibes from) that would have fitted the serene image of a "zen master". I've met a few monks, teachers, sensei, soke, solemn practitioners of these kinds of stuff, and none of them have floated on clouds wearing serene smiles, I have no idea whether they feed kittens or not, and if there are farts included, well, I mostly try to ignore them. They have been loud, opinionated, grumpy, from time to time a bit lost, funny, outright strange, drunk, offending and easy to offend... Heck, sometimes you really wonder who the hell gave them the job of sensei-ing in the first place!
What they have in common (on top of being good at teaching their respective fields) is that they don't melt in the background (unless they catch you making a mistake, in which case they can be practically invisible until their loud laugh cackles in your ear as they catch you unaware - and you realize he's been standing right behind you all the 5 minutes you picked your nose and wondered about whay to buy from the grocery store). For better or for worse, they are personalities with a big P, and you'd better remember that. And very often, they are not what might be termed "nice". But they do embody their teaching, and if you trust yourself into their hands you can be sure that they keep on kicking you to the direction they see fit.
And in the process you should learn how to be more you. A teacher should never want that you become either his copy or his subject - a proper teacher-student-relationship is another thing, something I want to write about soon enough, but it is never either one of the above. A part of this becoming is that you'll become less able to lie to yourself - this an idea that has been there in the back of my mind, but reading lately Brad Warner's "Shut up and sit down" helped me to grasp the words for this thought. You'll become more you as you can see yourself clearer and clearer, and see less and less point in not being you just because someone (and this does include your teacher) tells you so.
And it need not be that you become more assertive and loud in your opinions, though I do have plenty of friends who are like that (there are times when I just hope they would only shut the heck up). You can also become more bouncy, joyous and compassionate - whatever is "more you" for you. Instead of sitting serenely on your cloud you start dancing on the tables and shouting to the tables next to yours. Or you could see that you really really do enjoy your life and instead of leaving your job and your family to live the rest of your life caring for the orphan kittens of Calcutta, you just decide to live more fully in your existing life.
Now I can hear you say triumphantly "but hey, what if the true nature of someone would be completely evil / asshole /Baaaaad, what then?" I'll handle this in the next post (and I'll do my best to write it as soon as possible), but as there are no etchis in the equations, and thus no "good", there is also no "evil" or "bad". There are just situations and actions that are more or less desirable. And this is another aspect of becoming a "better person" - you start to understand the situational logic of consequences much much better than you did before. As soon as you start to open your eyes to yourself, you start to see your surroundings too.
And so the theme for my next post will be "situational intelligence", or "observe and do like the other monkeys do". Included are ideas of how that "social dimension of iai" that sensei keeps blabbering about might be understood.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Bikes for Christ and Booze for Buddha
Christianity (and especially the catholics) has received a lot of bad press lately, with all the kid-related troubles and getting caught about all those nasty things. Now I've been christian born and bred (though deviated from that path since then), but never really felt the faith. And, I admit having been more or less critical about the whole sect at times. But hey, watching at the news about the Finnish church - reluctance to take any stand on gay marriage, trying to juggle between pleasing both the women priests and the ones opposing them, not to mention the fact that they don't seem to be doing anything that would interest anyone under 75 but still whining about young people not being interested in the christian faith - I mean, can you really blame me?
A few days ago my faith was restored.
By God's Squad. http://gscmc.com/
I saw a documentary on them, in which big bearded biker (badass)guys spoke about their faith, their community, and how it all relates with (Harley-Davidson - since that's what they all seemed to drive) bikes.
They certainly didn't look like respectable ministers, but the way they discussed their thoughts on religion and what was their role as individuals and as memebers of their community convinced me better than any priest I can remember. According to their website one of their main "workgrounds" is to operate among the "outlaw bikers", and the guy on the documentary told about how they were sometimes called to officiate funerals for the said groups - because they understand what's it all about. And what struck me as the best bit of the whole documentary, was when this priest said that it's not so much what or how the members believe in Christ, but that they are true to their own faith.
Very untraditional, true. But so was Jesus. (like some other much-blogged on religious figures...)
Traditions have their uses. But. Doing things the way they've always been done can end up being stuffy, dusty and stale - not to mention in some cases festering, rotting and moldy. Anyone who has lived in Japan in the early summer knows that sometimes you just have to air out your rooms, at least if you don't want your walls to grow green and smelly. This goes also for thought patterns.
What makes me instantly suspicious is when I see someone who can quote tons of stuff but still can't explain WHY he believes as he does. What was the eye-opener, what feelings has he gone through in the process, how did he end up with the views he has. Or someone who looks miserable and can't stop complaining about others. I know I'm very touchy-feely in my religious escapades, but I honestly think that you should know why you believe as you do. Not intellectually, mind you, but I don't see how true faith can exist without at least as true doubts. Also, I feel that if your religion doesn't make you feel better about yourself and the world, you're definitely doing something wrong. And it should show to anyone who knows how to look. No, of course not for 24/7/365 (you can take a day off on leap years) - anyone who has seen me stressed out can vouch for the fact that I'm not always a little ms. sunshine (though I do try to avoid other people during the most unbalanced times) - nevertheless, it should shine through at least sometimes.
And the people who do have this shine, they're the ones who make me keep my faith in the potential for making good things happen that religions and enlightened people have. Funnily enough most people who have had this, like the bikers of the documentary, have not been very "traditional" in their own traditions. Maybe mostly even the opposite (one of my friends even applauded me for having been non-understandable for some sectarian scholars I once met - his comment was "Better that way").
As I might have mentioned before - my favorites are the ones who don't look the part.
A few days ago my faith was restored.
By God's Squad. http://gscmc.com/
I saw a documentary on them, in which big bearded biker (badass)guys spoke about their faith, their community, and how it all relates with (Harley-Davidson - since that's what they all seemed to drive) bikes.
They certainly didn't look like respectable ministers, but the way they discussed their thoughts on religion and what was their role as individuals and as memebers of their community convinced me better than any priest I can remember. According to their website one of their main "workgrounds" is to operate among the "outlaw bikers", and the guy on the documentary told about how they were sometimes called to officiate funerals for the said groups - because they understand what's it all about. And what struck me as the best bit of the whole documentary, was when this priest said that it's not so much what or how the members believe in Christ, but that they are true to their own faith.
Very untraditional, true. But so was Jesus. (like some other much-blogged on religious figures...)
Traditions have their uses. But. Doing things the way they've always been done can end up being stuffy, dusty and stale - not to mention in some cases festering, rotting and moldy. Anyone who has lived in Japan in the early summer knows that sometimes you just have to air out your rooms, at least if you don't want your walls to grow green and smelly. This goes also for thought patterns.
What makes me instantly suspicious is when I see someone who can quote tons of stuff but still can't explain WHY he believes as he does. What was the eye-opener, what feelings has he gone through in the process, how did he end up with the views he has. Or someone who looks miserable and can't stop complaining about others. I know I'm very touchy-feely in my religious escapades, but I honestly think that you should know why you believe as you do. Not intellectually, mind you, but I don't see how true faith can exist without at least as true doubts. Also, I feel that if your religion doesn't make you feel better about yourself and the world, you're definitely doing something wrong. And it should show to anyone who knows how to look. No, of course not for 24/7/365 (you can take a day off on leap years) - anyone who has seen me stressed out can vouch for the fact that I'm not always a little ms. sunshine (though I do try to avoid other people during the most unbalanced times) - nevertheless, it should shine through at least sometimes.
And the people who do have this shine, they're the ones who make me keep my faith in the potential for making good things happen that religions and enlightened people have. Funnily enough most people who have had this, like the bikers of the documentary, have not been very "traditional" in their own traditions. Maybe mostly even the opposite (one of my friends even applauded me for having been non-understandable for some sectarian scholars I once met - his comment was "Better that way").
As I might have mentioned before - my favorites are the ones who don't look the part.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sex with pumpkins and other great ideas
Look who crawls into daylight! And with a buddhism-related post at that. (Just trying to stay awake until True Blood begins, really)
This is something I've been going over in my head since returning from Japan, after my latest experiences of enlightenment. (No, I'm still not enlightened, far from it. But I think I do understand some things about myself better than before that trip. The thanks go to a local bodhisattva.) So, you may have already heard this.
Aaaanyways... The two things I like about Buddhism, on top of the by now obvious mix of incense, sutra chanting and men in robes, are the notions of "middle way" and "use of own brain highly recommended". Especially the latter one. I know Buddha spoke on his dying bed something of carrying your own lamp and so on, but that's what he meant: "Think for yourselves, kids!" So, what kind of bugs me, is if we have the freedom/responsibility to think about how to act in the world as buddhists, why the hell do we have something like the gazillion and forty-seven rules of the Vinaya?
Take the questions on sex, for example (sex is always a popular subject). I've never read the rules, but I hear that there's this rule about not having sex with a pumpkin. (The thanks for this piece of useful information go to our dear sandaime) Yes, sex with a pumpkin - someone must have been really REALLY desperate, AND way too honest for their own good to be asking permission for it instead of just ... well you get the meaning. So, what happened?
*imagine Buddha sitting calmy under the Bodhi tree, enjoying the shade in the afternoon heat, when a disciple comes to him*
Disciple: Oh Great Honored One, I have a question...
Buddha: Yes, what is it?
D: Weeell, it's this thing... I mean, we had the conversation about how sex was a big no-no in our monastic community, and...
B: Tell me, what is it?
D: Well, you see, you told us that women, men, kids and animals were out of the question, as was ones own hand, so I just wondered...
B: *starts to get irritated* Yes?
D: Oh, it's nothing big, I just thought that what about, ummm you know, just as a speculation, what if one would be masturbating with, say a pumpkin...
B: WTF?!? A pumpkin? *wonders why on earth would anyone be having sex with a pumpkin*
D: *scribbles to his notebook while mumbling* ...pumpkins - out of the question...
...and this, children, is how the gazillion and forty-seven rules were born, one by one.
Needless to say I don't follow these. (Ok, I don't do pumpkins either, but enough of that for now) And I don't really see the need for monastic buddhism either ('cept for producing the young men in robes) - there is an important lesson in "leaving it all", but I think one can manage to do that without going to a monastery to scrub floors. That in itself can be a form of egoism, too. I know there is a need for clergy and public buddhists, and I'm happy that someone does that work so that I don't have to. (I know that I blog on related topics, but I still don't count meself as a "public buddhist". Nor, thank gods, as clergy) I suck at following rules, routines and restrictions - religious or otherwise. I try and try again and again, and fail time after time after time.
And my latest enlightenment? Maybe its not me who's bad, maybe its the rules...
This is something I've been going over in my head since returning from Japan, after my latest experiences of enlightenment. (No, I'm still not enlightened, far from it. But I think I do understand some things about myself better than before that trip. The thanks go to a local bodhisattva.) So, you may have already heard this.
Aaaanyways... The two things I like about Buddhism, on top of the by now obvious mix of incense, sutra chanting and men in robes, are the notions of "middle way" and "use of own brain highly recommended". Especially the latter one. I know Buddha spoke on his dying bed something of carrying your own lamp and so on, but that's what he meant: "Think for yourselves, kids!" So, what kind of bugs me, is if we have the freedom/responsibility to think about how to act in the world as buddhists, why the hell do we have something like the gazillion and forty-seven rules of the Vinaya?
Take the questions on sex, for example (sex is always a popular subject). I've never read the rules, but I hear that there's this rule about not having sex with a pumpkin. (The thanks for this piece of useful information go to our dear sandaime) Yes, sex with a pumpkin - someone must have been really REALLY desperate, AND way too honest for their own good to be asking permission for it instead of just ... well you get the meaning. So, what happened?
*imagine Buddha sitting calmy under the Bodhi tree, enjoying the shade in the afternoon heat, when a disciple comes to him*
Disciple: Oh Great Honored One, I have a question...
Buddha: Yes, what is it?
D: Weeell, it's this thing... I mean, we had the conversation about how sex was a big no-no in our monastic community, and...
B: Tell me, what is it?
D: Well, you see, you told us that women, men, kids and animals were out of the question, as was ones own hand, so I just wondered...
B: *starts to get irritated* Yes?
D: Oh, it's nothing big, I just thought that what about, ummm you know, just as a speculation, what if one would be masturbating with, say a pumpkin...
B: WTF?!? A pumpkin? *wonders why on earth would anyone be having sex with a pumpkin*
D: *scribbles to his notebook while mumbling* ...pumpkins - out of the question...
...and this, children, is how the gazillion and forty-seven rules were born, one by one.
Needless to say I don't follow these. (Ok, I don't do pumpkins either, but enough of that for now) And I don't really see the need for monastic buddhism either ('cept for producing the young men in robes) - there is an important lesson in "leaving it all", but I think one can manage to do that without going to a monastery to scrub floors. That in itself can be a form of egoism, too. I know there is a need for clergy and public buddhists, and I'm happy that someone does that work so that I don't have to. (I know that I blog on related topics, but I still don't count meself as a "public buddhist". Nor, thank gods, as clergy) I suck at following rules, routines and restrictions - religious or otherwise. I try and try again and again, and fail time after time after time.
And my latest enlightenment? Maybe its not me who's bad, maybe its the rules...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Winter's darkness
It's here.
Wet and cold and, well, black.
Unlike my usual buddhist blabber, I'll have to take in some neo-pagan stuff this time. (Yes, I can hear you all starting to grumble and whine, but be still, there's a point to all this) Neo-pagan, because it's one branch of religiosity that puts a lot of emphasis on nature and the seasons glorifying them all for their proper aspects. So, there is this thing called the "dark half" of the year, that lasts from Samhain/Halloween to Beltain/1st of May.
Of course this codified way of thinking about the seasons does sometimes lead to funny liturgical situations in places where the natural conditions do not match the liturgical ideals, like chanting about snow during Yule/midwinter sabbat in places that haven't seen snow ever, probably having temperatures of +30C all round the year.
Anyways, that's not the point - the point is that southern Finland matches this depiction of "dark half" quite well (the north has more snow = magnified light compared to say Helsinki). And there are people who absolutely hate this, trying to do everything possible to escape the fact that when you live in the north this is what happens in wintertime. Me personally, I love it.
Or actually, I love candles. And, there is nothing to set off a flame as well as darkness. Incense is also better during darker times, I find. And combining darkness, candle flames and incense smoke, and adding a cup of tea to the mix, well, nothing gets much better than that. Spiced wine, glittery things glittering in darkness, quiet, watching the cold outside while warm and cosy, even chocolate tastes better in the winter. (Oh, and did I mention candles and incense?)
So, what's not to love?
Wet and cold and, well, black.
Unlike my usual buddhist blabber, I'll have to take in some neo-pagan stuff this time. (Yes, I can hear you all starting to grumble and whine, but be still, there's a point to all this) Neo-pagan, because it's one branch of religiosity that puts a lot of emphasis on nature and the seasons glorifying them all for their proper aspects. So, there is this thing called the "dark half" of the year, that lasts from Samhain/Halloween to Beltain/1st of May.
Of course this codified way of thinking about the seasons does sometimes lead to funny liturgical situations in places where the natural conditions do not match the liturgical ideals, like chanting about snow during Yule/midwinter sabbat in places that haven't seen snow ever, probably having temperatures of +30C all round the year.
Anyways, that's not the point - the point is that southern Finland matches this depiction of "dark half" quite well (the north has more snow = magnified light compared to say Helsinki). And there are people who absolutely hate this, trying to do everything possible to escape the fact that when you live in the north this is what happens in wintertime. Me personally, I love it.
Or actually, I love candles. And, there is nothing to set off a flame as well as darkness. Incense is also better during darker times, I find. And combining darkness, candle flames and incense smoke, and adding a cup of tea to the mix, well, nothing gets much better than that. Spiced wine, glittery things glittering in darkness, quiet, watching the cold outside while warm and cosy, even chocolate tastes better in the winter. (Oh, and did I mention candles and incense?)
So, what's not to love?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What is "busy" made of?
I don't really recall the last month.
Oh, I can trace it back with my calendar, where I've been, with whom, doing what and for how long (I know, my calendar is kinda scary), but still, when I think back the feeling I get is one of emptiness. Days just run on and on, away until it's too late.
Too late for what, you may ask. A good question, since I don't really know it myself either. The world of feelings is not a rational one (nor should it be, but that's another story). But it's as if there's something chasing after me, or maybe I'm the one doing the chasing but the chased is too fast to me and keeps escaping me time after time. There's always a million things to do (or at least several), and none of them can be permanently wiped off from my to-do-list.
The main reason for this month-long amnesia has been juggling two jobs, one full-time at a bookstore and the other one an editing job with quite hard deadlines (and the fact that we're just about managing to hold them - or only a little bit late). So, no wonder if I feel a bit cloud-headed. But it all got me thinking (see, not dead yet!) where does it come from. See, I've managed to do long days before, hours of reading, writing, lectures and homework, and all this without this amnesia-like effect. Sure, I've been tired as hell, cranky and whatnot, but still, in a different way.
It's not about the hours, it's about the nature of the work itself. Not necessarily in the "how much" but more in the "what and when".
I get the feeling that I'm not made for steady 9-17 work. I like change and the ability to work when it suits my mood best - meaning, sometimes I like to get up at 6am and write away until afternoon, sometimes (and for some tasks) I perform best at evenings.
Sometimes mornings just aren't an option. Pure and simple.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to know one can take the afternoon off, even though it means more work for the subsequent days.
Oh, I can trace it back with my calendar, where I've been, with whom, doing what and for how long (I know, my calendar is kinda scary), but still, when I think back the feeling I get is one of emptiness. Days just run on and on, away until it's too late.
Too late for what, you may ask. A good question, since I don't really know it myself either. The world of feelings is not a rational one (nor should it be, but that's another story). But it's as if there's something chasing after me, or maybe I'm the one doing the chasing but the chased is too fast to me and keeps escaping me time after time. There's always a million things to do (or at least several), and none of them can be permanently wiped off from my to-do-list.
The main reason for this month-long amnesia has been juggling two jobs, one full-time at a bookstore and the other one an editing job with quite hard deadlines (and the fact that we're just about managing to hold them - or only a little bit late). So, no wonder if I feel a bit cloud-headed. But it all got me thinking (see, not dead yet!) where does it come from. See, I've managed to do long days before, hours of reading, writing, lectures and homework, and all this without this amnesia-like effect. Sure, I've been tired as hell, cranky and whatnot, but still, in a different way.
It's not about the hours, it's about the nature of the work itself. Not necessarily in the "how much" but more in the "what and when".
I get the feeling that I'm not made for steady 9-17 work. I like change and the ability to work when it suits my mood best - meaning, sometimes I like to get up at 6am and write away until afternoon, sometimes (and for some tasks) I perform best at evenings.
Sometimes mornings just aren't an option. Pure and simple.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to know one can take the afternoon off, even though it means more work for the subsequent days.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Oh my pretty, where are you?
I've lost my pretty, once again.
I think I left it in the dancing classes, so maybe I should call there and see whether they have a box of lost and found items...
No, but seriously. It's the female phenomenon that baffles most men (ok, one of them) where you can stand before a full warderobe and find nothing nice to put on. You end up with something (going naked isn't an option most of the days), and even though that something would look pretty on some days, well, it doesn't now. It looks boring if not outright ugly, and makes you wish you could just stay home under the duvet, sipping tea and avoid human contact until the pretty comes back to you.
You. Just. Don't. FEEL. Pretty.
Rationally speaking, you do know that you're not uglier than yesterday (when the pretty was still here). but knowing a thing and feeling it are two very different states of minds. And as a state of mind it has the downside of affecting everything you do. You end up short-tempered, suspicious and feeling bad about yourself.
And actually, this is the part where you really do become very un-pretty. This is where everyone detects your feelings, when the smell of your unhappiness oozes from you and people smell it like animals can smell fear... Thus feeding the circle.
It is on these days that plans of raiding my sister's closet raise in my mind - and if I were ... 10kgs smaller (or would that even be enough?), then maybe it would work. But no.
Meh. Does anyone know where I might find a new attitude?
I think I left it in the dancing classes, so maybe I should call there and see whether they have a box of lost and found items...
No, but seriously. It's the female phenomenon that baffles most men (ok, one of them) where you can stand before a full warderobe and find nothing nice to put on. You end up with something (going naked isn't an option most of the days), and even though that something would look pretty on some days, well, it doesn't now. It looks boring if not outright ugly, and makes you wish you could just stay home under the duvet, sipping tea and avoid human contact until the pretty comes back to you.
You. Just. Don't. FEEL. Pretty.
Rationally speaking, you do know that you're not uglier than yesterday (when the pretty was still here). but knowing a thing and feeling it are two very different states of minds. And as a state of mind it has the downside of affecting everything you do. You end up short-tempered, suspicious and feeling bad about yourself.
And actually, this is the part where you really do become very un-pretty. This is where everyone detects your feelings, when the smell of your unhappiness oozes from you and people smell it like animals can smell fear... Thus feeding the circle.
It is on these days that plans of raiding my sister's closet raise in my mind - and if I were ... 10kgs smaller (or would that even be enough?), then maybe it would work. But no.
Meh. Does anyone know where I might find a new attitude?
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