Anger management

This hasn't been a very good day. I should be all creative and writing down something clever for thursday's presentation, and well, nothing comes to me. I can almost see the threads connecting the few ideas that I want to talk about, and the moment I try to catch them - they're gone.

Irritating, right?

And as everyone probably knows, irritation is a self-feeding circle that just grows and grows.

And as time went on and on, and I catched myself from surfing the empty internet for the third or fourth hour with glazed eyes and an empty head, the anger just kept building. I tried to eat, get out for a walk, do something else and not stress about it, jotting down random notes (how ironic - the theme of our panel being zuihitsu or "random jottings"), and to no avail. The walk worked for some time and gave me some ideas, but then wore off leaving me even more pissed off.

By the time I was trying to dull the pain by lame late night sci-fi programs with self-combusting girls - well, with my inner need of throwing things and screaming the thought of sudden fiery human explosion didn't seem that far-fetched. Me wanting to throw things is usually a bad sign. If left unheeded, it can proceed (and has done so previously) to a full-fledged panic/restlessness attack with hyperventilation, shaking and not being able to sleep for hours. So, what to do when happy pills or horse tranquilizers are not an option?

Meditate.

Or at least sit still and listen to your breathing. Then, ask yourself what you're really feeling, and why - listen to your inner voice like an observer. My irritation for example had its roots in fear of being a failure, fear of not coming up with anything, fear of realizing that I'm not up to this (self-doubt). Just listen, observe and acknowledge. You'll also probably relax and let go - which in turn liberates your mind from the hindrance at hand.

My meditation cd told me there are 5 hindrances: attachment, aversion (incl. anger & fear), sleepiness, restlessness and doubt. These five can arise both alone or many together - today my set was built of anger, fear, restlessness and doubt, with maybe some egoistical attachment to my self-image. Nice cocktail, eh? And with only 20min of giving my full undivided attention to listening to them, they were gone.

What a miracle cure. I clearly need more of this stuff.