Hazy thoughts in a busy head

Today I got to practise in relative calm... Which is good since my practise time is about the only time right now besides the time I spend in the temple when there isn't a million things calling my attention - right now! There's the poetry essay, there's the written part of my shinsa and documents to be filled for it, there's a bunch of homework for my japanese class, there's various meetings with people... I almost feel as if I'd not have the luxury of time to go to sit tomorrow morning - but then on the other hand, if I do go I'll be at the university library at 9am ready to find source material for my essay. If I skip zazen I'd be there at 11am at the earliest. And I've noticed that sleeping either until 4.45 or 7.30 doesn't actually make that big a difference, actually for some strange reason the former is better for me. So, I'll go scrub the temple.

It feels like a place outside this world, when I'm practising iai/sitting in zazen. I know there's no use in stressing about the things in my head, so I can just let them be. So calming.

To tell the truth, it's not been this easy always. I still vividly remember the times when I had to drag myself to the dojo, and managed to do it only because I knew I would feel even more self-loathing if I didn't get there (then I'd hate my laziness on top of all the other things that made me hate the practise). Then I'd practise and be in a sour mood, and in the end my only satisfaction was that I hadn't skipped. I still don't know what got me through it. Maybe it was sheer stubbornness, maybe the "must get a new kyu grade after over 2 years", maybe the "I'll be damned if this ****ing thing beats me". I certainly don't know. But I'm still here.

You can see that my head is a bit hazy - I can't seem to be able to concentrate (which is exactly the time you SHOULDN'T be writing things in the internet, but this has also the effect of calming me down a bit). I almost double-booked my saturday, and I have constantly a nagging feeling that there's something very very important I should be doing but that I've forgotten. Too much coffee, too little rest - that's the recipe for a perfect student life.